Harry Potter Dateing Service
by Dark Mage of Death
Summary: That's right folks! You can date a Harry Potter charecter! We promise cheesy romance and lots of laughs! Check it out for more info! CHAPTER TWO IS UP!
1. Intro stuff

Disclaimers: We don't own Harry Potter, and the reviewers own their characters, Deity owns Lane Snake and NemesisMuse owns herself.

Hey all!!!!! It's me Deity and NemesisMuse in the HARRY POTTER DATING SERVICE!!!! That's right! You, yes, you could date a Harry Potter character! Here's some information you must fill out to participate! SEND WITH E-MAIL!  
  
  
  


Name:

Age: (Not that this really matters the pairings are all random *evil grin*)

What you're wearing: (Don't go starkers!)

What you look like:

Personality: So we can pair you with the worst possible person (just kidding of course, we spin a wheel, let's call the Wheel of Bad Luck)

What you like:

What you don't like:

Where you want the date to take place: (Deity wanted this to be random also, but NemesisMuse stomped that out _ literally, stomped right on Deity's hand)

Anything else you want to add:

E-mail! If you don't put your E-mail, how can you contact you?:  
  


Now remember, the pairs are chosen using the Wheel of Bad Luck, so don't come crying if you get paired to Dumbledore or something like that. Deity is writing all the chapters and NemesisMuse is in charge of *evil music* THE WHEEL! So, because Deity is a sick twisted weirdo, your date might not turn out picture perfect! But we'll give the failures a second chance! Just tell us if you want one! Now for the list of the desirable people up for the date:  
  


Cute people who everyone wants to date.

Ron Weasley

Harry Potter

Hermione Granger

Draco Malfoy

Ginny Weasley

Bill Weasley

Charlie Weasley

Fred or George Weasley

Oliver Wood

Severus Snape (young or old)

James Potter (young)

Remus Lupin (young or old)

Sirius Black (young or old)

Lucius Malfoy (young or old)  
  
  
  
  
  


Yucky people who no one wants to date

Albus Dumbledore (think of the wrinkles!) 

Vincent Crabbe

Gregory Goyle

Pansy Parkinson

Minerva McGonagall

Gilderoy Lockhart

Cornelius Fudge

Rita Skeeter

Dudley Dursley *Muahahahaha*

Peter Pettigrew (young or old) not that it matters he's an ugly evil rat either way.

Lord Voldemort (Not Tom Riddle, Voldemort is ugly, Tom Riddle isn't)  
  
  
  
  
  


So, I hope you'll like this! It's insane, twisted and sometimes off the wall! Now, this has been re-posted! If you want to participate you MUST send your form via E-mail! We won't except them from reviews! Send the form to- Deity or NemesisMuse! Deity- deitydragonelf@attbi.com NemesisMuse- csm925@hotmail.com ! AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, CREATE A GREAT CHARACTER! Ya'll should love it! SEE YA

-Deity & NemesisMuse (Dark Mage of Death)  
  
  
  



	2. I HATE SLYTHERINS!

Hey people! What's up? Well, here's the first chapter to the Harry Potter Dating service! The Date is.... Tanya Maxwell &Sirius Black (older)! Now you're all probably wondering who created Tanya, well Tanya Maxwell did!! Now, not only that, but my character Lane Snake will follow you through out your date inserting rude and annoying comments! Let the mayhem begin!

Disclamers: Deity owns Lane Snake, the reviewers own their characters, and J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter!  
  
  
  


******************(In the Great Hall)*********************

All the characters on the Dating list stand around in the Hall waiting to be called up to what they had dubbed "The Gallows". Lane Snake ran through the doors brandishing a piece of paper.

"Okay! I got the first date!" She stopped in the middle of the hall, "And the victim will be...Sirius Black!"

"YES!" The Young and Old Severus did a High-Five.

"Shut up Snape."

"And it is the old Sirius." said Lane.

The Young Sirius pointed to the older and said, "HA HA."

"Great, who will I be dating."

"Tanya Mule...wait...I mean Maxwell, sorry, your date will take place in the Womping Willow tunnel, you better get going." Lane folded up her paper and then took out a couple of Galleons, "Here, you're getting paid to do this."

"Cool." Sirius walked out of the Hall, ignoring the two Snapes who were laughing manically at him.

*****************(Down by the bay, where the watermelons grow...)*********(A.K.A. The Lake)*******

Tanya carefully combed her dark hair one last time and then checked her makeup carefully, she couldn't believe she would actually be dating Sirius Black!

Several women sigh.

"Shoo! Scat!" Tanya chases them away; HE would be arriving soon. And he did.

"Oh Tanya! My beautiful Tanya!" yelled Sirius jumping from a nearby tree, "You are more beautiful then..."

"Then what?" said Tanya in a sultry tone.

"I can't say Tan, I was only paid enough for ONE line." Sirius waved his arms around and whistled a tune in a pointed manner.

Lane Snake sighed and jumped from the bushes, "Here," she dumped a bag of galleons in his hand, "that should last for the entire date." She then walked back into the bushes.

"Okay, as I was saying...You are more beautiful then a Flobberworm!"

This comment was less then flattering, but coming from Sirius Black...

The women sigh again.

"Damn it!" came Lanes voice, "GO AWAY!"

The women all walked away grumbling.

"Anyway..."

"Lost for words, Black?" 

"Are you going to follow us all through the entire date?!" cried Tanya indignantly.

"Yes."

Just ignore her, come on Tan, let's get to the Willow."

"Hey Siri, you want to hear a riddle?"

I LOVE riddles!" A extra bag of Gold fell from the trees into Sirius's waiting hand,

"Okay, So why did the dead baby cross the road?"

"Yum..."

"Because it was stapled to the chicken! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Yum...yeah...ha ha," Sirius laughed weakly, "Say Tan, that was a rather Slytherin rid-" Tanya screamed and lunged at Sirius, knocking them both into the tunnel, they landed with a slight THUMP.

"A SLYTHERIN RIDDLE!" screamed Tanya, "ARE YOU NUTS?!?!?!?! I...HATE....SLYTHERINS!!!! MUAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"

*******************(Great Hall)*****************

Everyone in the hall was conversing quietly when a distant scream reached their ears.

"Sounds like Sirius's date is going well." said Ron as the sound of maniacal laughter reached everyone.

Harry nodded. (No they were NOT being sarcastic!)

*****************(The Gallows)******************

As soon as she was done throwing Sirius into walls and screaming, Tanya said, "Come on Siri! Let's go farther into the tunnel!"

"Right, tunnel, to the liiiiight, must go to the liiii-" Lane smacked him, "What? Oh, right, Tan let's go."

The two walked to the very end of the tunnel (well, Sirius stumbled) before they stopped.

Tanya grabbed Sirius's hands and looked deep into his unfocused eyes, "Oh Siri, I've had such a wonderful time so far! I think we should kiss!" Tanya grabbed his head and moved it to hers but...she had forgotten today was the full moon.

"HOOOOOOWL!" Remus Lupin ate her whole.

"Thanks Moony." said Sirius faintly.

Remus burped and went back into the Shrieking Shack. 

"Well...she didn't last long." said Lane, with her hand on her hips, "Great, that means less money for me, well, back to the Great Hall we go."

****************(Great Hall)********************

When Lane and Sirius walked (limped in Sirius's case) in the hall it became quiet.

"How'd it go Sirius?" asked Harry.

"Well, let me put it this way, if you thought those answer the reviewer's questions fics were bad, this is 50 time worse."

"Great, just great." said James, "They bring back to life for the sole purpose of making me miserable for others entertainment."

"Don't worry, you don't have a very big chance of getting picked Potter." said the younger Snape.

"Well," said Lane, "Everyone can go back to where ever you came from until next time! SEE YA!"

************************************************

MUAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your date will be something like that, only funnier! And longer! So, tell me if you liked it or not! And more participants are welcome! WE NEED BOYS!!!!! Also, for those of you who asked NOT to be paired to a girl, fear not! However, if you do not say anything, it will be random and a girl will be paired with a girl or a boy with a boy! If you don't want that then say so! The next chapter will be out in a while! Get ready! SEE YA

-Deity & NemesisMuse (Dark Mage of Death)   
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Girls! Girls! Girls! and Hotdogs!

We are here, once again, to mourn the passing of Tanya, who was eaten by Remus Lupin, a moment of silence... *braaaaap* I really shouldn't have eaten those chili dogs, oh well. This chapters date is...*dramatic pause*...*drum roll*...*author ducks as heavy objects fly from her word perfect* Okay! Okay! The date is Gengi and Voldemort!!!! *insert very evil cackle* MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! ENJOY THE DATE FROM HELL!!!!!!

Disclaimer: Gengi owns Gengi, Deity owns Lane Snake, NemesisMuse owns herself, and J. K. R own Harry Potter!  
  
  
  
  
  


************(Great Hall)***************

"Okay everyone!" NemesisMuse stood at a podium back at the Great Hall, "I've received the next date from the great person that is me! The date is...Voldemort and Gangi, no, Gegi, wait, hold on, it's Gengi, there we go...That is such a weird name." No one was listening to her as they were all laughing at Voldie.

"Oh, God!" said Harry, rolling on the floor, "You, the Dark Lord, have to date someone named Gengi! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! At least Sirius had someone with a normal name! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Voldemort sneered and turned to NemesisMuse who was muttering about people who should spend more time thinking about what they name their children, "Muse! Where will this..this torture take place, and how old is she?"

"What? Oh, the date will take place at the movies, then at a restaurant, she's 15...thousand? Good God!"

There was more laughter from the crowed.

"Shut up, you'll all have your turns! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" And Voldemort swept out of the hall and tripped on his robes.

****************(The Theater for Losers)*******************

Gengi sat outside the theater waiting for her date. She hoped it would be Sirius Black!

The women sigh.

"Damn it!" Gen looked up as Lane Snake approached, "Where do you guys come from?" And she chased the women away.

"Okay Snake, who's my date?" she was tired of waiting!

"He's coming, don't get your panties in a twist."

"I'm not wearing panties!"

"ummm..." Lane gave her a weird look then turned around as a figure in a black robe appeared, "It's about time! Gengi, your date is Voldemort."

Gengi fainted.

"Voldemort..."

"Whaaaaaat? I have that effect on people, it's not my fault!"

"Well, no matter, " said Lane, "just wake her up again."

"Are you sure that's wise?" Voldemort poked Gengi with a stick as if she was a viral fungus, which in essence, she was.

"No, I'll do it." Lane crouched over the limp girl and shook her, "Wake up Gen, it could be worse," she shook harder, "Wake uuup Gen, WAKE UP GEN!!!!!" and Lane threw her into a wall, "Oops, I got carried away!"

Voldemort rolled his eyes, "Maybe I should have woken her up."

Lane scoffed, "What! If I woke up with your ugly mug in my face I'd go into cardiac arrest!"

"It's not my fault," said Voldemort, his voice cracking, "how was I supposed to know my plastic surgery would get messed up!"

"Whatever, she's coming to." the two turned to Genengigigigigigigigigigigigi who was getting slowly to her feet.

"I had the worst nightmare, I dreamt that I was going to date He-Who-Has-Problems, it was only a dream tho...wait a minute..." Gengi looked up at Lane, then to Voldemort, who gave her a weak wave.

"You ain't dreamin' hon." said Lane, "And this date has to go on for the entertainment of the readers, cope with it."

Gengi looked hurt, but moved into the theater anyway, Voldemort following behind her and Lane bring up the rear, shaking her head.

*************(Great Hall)***************

"I can't wait 'till this is over," said Fudge, "I've got thing to do and..."

"Shut up Fudge," said everyone, before going back to their conversations.

"But..."

The older Severus Snape stood up, grabbed Fudge and tied him to a chair, "There, that's better," And then gagged him, "Much better!"

Everyone nodded in agreement.

***************(The Moooooovies)****************

"What movie should we see Gen?" asked Voldemort, trying to lift the tense silence.

Gengi shrugged, "Eh, I don't care, you pick."

Voldemort looked excited, "Really? I can pick? Okay, let's see this one!" He pointed to the movie 'The Teletubbies learn the meaning of the 'F' word'.

"You wanted to see that one?" asked Gengi with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah! I heard it had a lot of adult words in it!"

Gengi shrugged and the two bought tickets to see the movie.

************(around 5 hours later)*************

Voldemort and Gen came out of the movie theater looking highly disturbed.

"Urg," said Voldie, clutching his stomach, "I don't think I can stomach anything after that."

Lane shook her head, "You have to, part of the date is going to a restaurant, now, move!" She took out a bull whip and cracked it.

Voldemort whimpered and then he and Gengi made their way to a place to eat.

***********(Girls, Girls, Girls! And...Hotdogs!)************

"You want me to eat here?" asked Gengi.

"They have great hotdogs." said Voldemort.

"HOTDOGS! YOU ONLY CAME HERE FOR THE HOTDOGS!!" Gen took several deep breathes, "Okay, let's compromise, how about we go to Booger King?"

"Weeeeell.... this place DOES have good hotdogs..." Voldemort looked torn, "But..."

"No, we're eating here," said Lane, "I don't want to change scenes again, get in."

And she pushed Gen into the strip, hotdog club thing.

Inside it was brightly lit and there were some girls on the stage, everyone had a hotdog.

"Urg," said Gen, looking at the strippers, "I didn't think it was possible to do that with a hotdog."

"Come on Gengi, we can sit here!" said Voldie, smiling broadly, he pointed to a seat right beside the stage.

"No way! I'm not getting any closer to..." But Lane pushed her into the seat before she could finish ranting.

A almost naked lady walked up to their booth and asked in a fake french accent, "And vat will 'oo be having today?"

"What's there to eat?" asked Gen.

"Vell, we have Ho'dogs."

"And..."

"More Hotdogs." said the lady, dropping the french accent which turned into a rough Brooklyn accent.

"Ummm...In that case we'll all have hotdogs!" said Voldemort.

"Okay, three Hotdogs." naked lady wrote it on her hand.

After the naked lady left, Voldemort turned his attention to the stage where the dancers were doing their best to earn tips from the patrons. One particularly large and energetic naked lady came dancing over to Voldie and Gengi, her fat was flying and knocking nearby people off their stools. She was to busy trying to keep her thong from getting sucked into her butt and didn't see the small girls in front of her, Fatty tripped and was sent flying off the stage, she landed on a surprised Gen, squishing her into a bloody pulp.

"Well..." Lane scratched her head, "That was...interesting...we had better go come on!" Lane grabbed Voldemort and dragged him out of the club.

***********(Super Duper Great Hall)*************

Lane and Voldemort walked calmly back into the Hall, Lucius ran up and began to ask questions, "How was it? Where is she? Who killed her, did she like the hotdogs?"

"It was horrible," said Voldemort, slumping into a chair, "a stripper killed her, but she never got to try the hotdogs."

Fudge (who was still tied to a chair) made a strange gurgling noise.

"What's that you say Fudge?" asked younger Severus, "You want me to torture you?"

The gurgling noises became more urgent.

"You do?" said the older Severus, "Then why are we waiting? We only live to serve you!" And then the old and young Severus took out some knitting needles and heated them to 1,000 degrees, and then they...

NemesisMuse stopped laughing long enough to say, "That's all for now! Until next time!"  
  
  
  


Well, I like this one! We would love for more contestants! WE NEED GUYS!!!!!! Okay, well...if you want to E-mail Deity or NemesisMuse just check out our profiles! SEE YA

-NemesisMuse & Deity (Dark Mage of Death)  
  


  
  
  
  



	4. Plea for help

NemesisMuse here, I'm afraid that Deity has taken a break and is working on another story (shows Deity prancing while eating a bag of sugar). So it is up to me and this is going to be a rough time since I also have a fic in the gears but I'm in writer's block city. So all of those who have entered will have to resubmit. DON"T KILL ME! (Author doges rotten fruit and objects that are thrown at her) I'll try to come up with another chapter soon so please be patient! You will have to e-mail me at faye_silver9@sailormoon.com  
  
Please send in and remember to send all the information that is required! 


End file.
